Monday, April 16, 2012

NIGHT-TIME (A-Z April Blog Challenge)

There’s raw quality to night-time that I find both equally compelling and fearful.  As a child it was the time that followed “bedtime”.  Alone, in bed, I felt safe and surrounded by a family who loved me.  And then gradually, somewhere during that night-time, a sliver of solitude formed.  An internal night-time – my darkness – an absence of light.
It didn’t happen overnight.  It grew over time as I developed into an introvert.  A loner.   A writer.  For in my night-time, that seed of finding places for my mind to go was born.  Places other than where I was.  Places that were “Once upon a time…”
I didn’t formally recognize it until the first time I saw Phantom of the Opera and heard Music of the Night.  The Phantom's voice, deep and rhythmic pulled me along with Christine into his darkness, one that I found unnervingly familiar.  He implored us to understand what happens when we look inside ourselves. "Night-time sharpens, heightens each sensation…Darkness stirs and wakes imagination…" My eyes closed and I involuntarily leaned towards the stage. "Silently the senses abandon their defenses…" I felt confused, vulnerable, inexplicably wanted more.
Abandoning our defenses is not something easily done. Self-preservation is an inherent trait that we practice every day whether we realize it or not. I, like Christine, often turn from what I feel or what I find myself drawn to. One of my greatest fears and the root of my insecurity is how others perceive me.
In my darkness dwells my reality and a writer. In my mind and my heart, are stories I long to share, both fictitious and of my life.  Human nature and the depths it can sink to as well as the heights it can achieve. To explore my own darkness would be to share them.
Then the questions start. What if no one understands what I write? Where it comes from? Therein lies the fear. The fear that each word represents a piece of me for anyone to see. It's a steady battle between the need to express myself and being vulnerable to people's judgments toward me and what I write once my thoughts, emotions, perceptions, and yes, even my prejudices, are revealed.
Christine sang of being torn between her fear and her unwilling draw toward the Phantom, "But his voice filled my spirit with a strange, sweet sound…In that night there was music in my mind…And through music my soul began to soar! And I heard as I'd never heard before…" Had she not entered the darkness, she would not have soared. Her musical talent undiscovered. Her capacity to love a man like the Phantom never realized. She needed to be willing to expose herself to the night-time. To trust. To share.
How great, I realized the rewards can be by taking such a risk.  I realized as I struggled with that feeling of wanting more, that it was the desire to free my words from my self imposed darkness.
And I have made progress.  I’ve taken risks.  I’ve written a few pieces.  I’ve shared some of what I’ve written.  I’m working toward doing as the Phantom’s instructed:  "Close your eyes; let your spirit start to soar! And you'll live as you've never lived before…"
So I go, armed to my nighttime – my absence of light.  To write myself out of the darkness.

19 comments:

  1. Love Phantom, love the night-time. It has its own magical quality, and it's significant that they say we have to "sleep on" new skills or things we've studied, for them to move into long-term memory.

    Good for you for being brave enough to embrace the music of the night.

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    1. Thank you for your comments and I really enjoyed your post today on NAMI. Very informative and a great N post!

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  2. wonderful, wonderful post. You spoke so well of a writer's insecurities. And for us to write, to explore in that darkness, we often are introverts as am I. I empathize with you on so many levels.

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    1. Sandra - so many writers share some level of insecurity I believe. Kudos to us for being wiling to share it!

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  3. If one of our senses is on mute (as would be the case in darkness) then the others become more acute. Perhaps for you night time quiets some, so the others can come to life. Write... write... and write... :-)

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    1. What an interesting point. I'll have to do a little exploring to see what other sense has become more acute. It could be a story in itself I would imagine.

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  4. This is beautifully written, Amy. You bring out the beauty and mystery of the night both literally and metaphorically. Night and darkness are places that writers need to go, to learn to feel comfortable and to see things in that most people don't. I am so glad to be going with you on your journey into the dark and look forward to you bringing me back into the light.

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    1. Thank you Elaine - now that I'm headed there (tomorrow's blog is my first big step in to that darkness) it may get a bit darker before I see some of the light. But I'm sure it's there at the other end as I'm living in it now. It means more than I can say to have you encouraging me on the journey.

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  5. Wonderfully expressive of the hidden places within and the night out of which you need to write. Or we need to write -- I'm just starting to come to terms with really expressing what's within me in my writing, not just telling pretty stories.

    Erin

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    1. Thank you for stopping be Erin. I hope that your writing helps you express what you want to. I so don't want to just keep writing "pretty stories".

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  6. Night-time is when I write. Somehow I can't write during the day-time. Maybe it's because at night I can't see the 'real' world, only the world of my imagination.

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    1. Not seeing the "real" world can be a good thing at times. I'm glad you have you imagination to draw on Paula.

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  7. i find i might be a little more emotional in my night time writings--enjoy your night music

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    1. Thank you Lynn. I find it a more emotional time to write as well!

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  8. I love this and how you parallel night with the writer's insecurities that we all face at one time or another. Brilliantly written!

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Kathy - and I loved your post about NOW today on your blog!

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  9. Wonderful connection of writing to Phantom.


    Catch My Words
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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  10. This is so touching to me. I am a night writer and have done some in the daytime, but I find what I really am proud of are the night writings. They are better put together, they are more from my heart and they speak to me when I read them back. The night for me is magical and I escape into my real self.
    I'm excited to see your post tomorrow. ♥

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